Each morning, Penny wakes up before the sun. Like very early. Before Flora came along, it wasn't much of an issue as I typically like to get my day started early too. However, now that I'm up sporadically with the baby at night, getting as much sleep as possible is a top priority. Penny understands this conceptually; however, the practice of letting mom sleep has had a rocky implementation period. The main reason: Penny wants breakfast. So we go through this dance of I want breakfast! You need to wait until 7:30. I'm hungry now. You need to wait until 7:30. I already went downstairs and dug peanutbutter out of the jar with my hands. You cannot do that. This morning, after the worst night of sleep I've had yet with Flora, I wake up to Penny outside my door at 6:30am repeatedly saying in a loud singsongy voice I want breakfast. I need a snack. I want breakfast. I need a snack. I nearly lost it.I took a deep breath, and I came out of the room. I said, as I've said multiple times before, you need to wait until 7:30. She says no. The Value in Staying Calm.During our discussion on discipline the other week, the idea of managing our emotions came up multiple times. Sometimes it feels like our emotions are so intertwined with our children's. When they get mad, we get more mad. When they are sad, we feel deeply for them. This makes for a less than pleasant scenario and leaves all members feeling out of control. We know that children learn by observation, which is why we often come back to the idea that we must model appropriate behavior. When we lose it, not only are we reinforcing a behavior by giving an emotional response, but we are also modeling that exact same reaction. Do as I say not as I do does not work.So what does work?
"I hope you still love me. I am sorry if I made you mad. Write back."After nearly losing it this morning with Penny, I told her exactly what would happen if she did not go quietly into her room. I said very calmly but with a very serious look and tone: I was up all night with Flora. I am tired so if you do not go into your room, I will pick you up, set you in your room, and I will probably yell very loudly at you. OK. I explained how close I am to losing control before losing control. I'm flexing my executive function skills here. Something we want our kids to have. Something we need to model. Reconnection.Something I am working on in my relationship with Penny is how not to drag my feelings throughout the day. Our day clearly got off to a rough start. That shouldn't set the tone. It can be an isolated incident. But, I struggle with that.
When I got out of bed this morning, Penny ran up to me and handed me a very thoughtful card. She clearly reflected on the incident (the recreation of me mad at her on the right), processed the emotional responses, and found a way to express herself in return. I didn't want to just say sorry so I made you this card. See? I added a rainbow heart. These are the things I am trying to teach. In return, she is teaching me how to move forward with resolve and love.
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Emily BarstadMaster's in Family Education Archives
March 2020
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